by: Carole Fawcett (www.wordaffair.com)
He was barely 13 when he first experimented with drugs. He tried marijuana, LSD and methamphetamines (speed). It allowed him to escape, helping to numb the pain from his abusive Father.
In his childhood home he learned that he was never good enough. His dad was away a lot for his work and used speed to stay awake in order to work longer hours. It left his dad angry and frustrated, so the slightest misstep by his children when he arrived home would result in a beating. Sadly, it was as predictable as the sunrise.
When you grow up in a home where abuse is your “normal”, (verbal or physical) or on the flip side, being ignored or treated as though you are invisible – becoming angry, or feeling suicidal is a typical response. With Jordan, it created a hidden rage.
Jordan self describes as being a softy, a person who does not become violent at the least provocation. He doesn’t like violence.
But opioids change who you are. They can turn you into someone that you don’t like. This makes it difficult to walk around in your own skin, when whoyou are, is not someone you would want to be friends with. But yet you walk alongside yourself daily, helping to carry the shame, blame and guilt. Hard to overcome any challenge when self doubt is your daily shadow.
It seems he picked up where his father left off, self abusing with drugs and on occasion being physically abusive to others.
We become what we are taught.
Jordan’s journey was a roller coaster ride of using and being clean. At one point, when he was clean, he broke his ankle and was put on morphine in the hospital and sent home with dilaudid. This started the cycle all over again, as he gave in to the toxic self talk of his own mind.
He shared that he believed he could just use a bit and still function. But he found out that this was not true.
He was on the methadone program in 2009 when he started to sell drugs. After a disagreement with a dealer, he was beaten badly by a group of tough guys. He decided that selling drugs was not for him.
So the roller coaster swooped down and picked him up again and he tried to become clean and free of drugs.
Then it dropped him off again on Canada Day in 2016, when between Friday to Sunday he overdosed four times and was given naloxone – saving his life each time.
He joined Narcotics Anonymous, then used heroin again, going in and out of treatment at Bill’s Place and Howard House. A good friend of his died by overdosing and Jordan relapsed once again and was using methamphetamines.
It was in a methamphetamine induced psychotic rage where he believed his hallucinations to be true and came face to face with his demons, realizing that the only one who could change him was the face he saw in the mirror.
This realization came after he seriously hurt someone and damaged property.
Jordan was arrested, taken to the hospital and was subsequently jailed. He shared that the RCMP Officers were very understanding and kind to him – even picking up his methadone from the pharmacy. He said they visited him in the hospital and when he woke up he saw friends, family and people from Narcotics Anonymous sitting around the bed. It was then that he realized he had people in his life who loved him.
He said that the chip on his shoulder fell off when he felt this love. He wants to give back to the community and help others now.
He believes that if we can educate and create awareness concerning drug use that we will help to bring about understanding, compassion and eventually, love.
His journey was horrific, but yet he has the courage to stand up and speak his truth with the hope that it will help others. He said he wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for NA (Narcotics Anonymous), CA (Cocaine Anonymous) and AA (Alcoholics Anonymous).
Thank you Jordan for sharing your story – you are inspirational.